What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 01.07.2025 09:28
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
I waited trembling.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
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I was very sick at this time too.
Im still living with it.
I think the readers, may guess!
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Where the ultimate outsiders.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
She was in good health!
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
But, we were locked up after school.
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Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
What made you recently say to yourself, “Wait. Really?”
Why did i forgive my father ?
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
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I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
I will be 64.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
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.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
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I did it because my mum asked me too!
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
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I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
Ive learnt so much.
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He knew the spot.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
Especially a lifetime of it.
Is there electric light therapy tested and proven science?
Comes on , in middle age.
We were not on the streets..
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
I said to her
And i lived it daily.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
One cannot live in the past .
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
Would this be the day?
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
We all went to grammer schools
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
Who then, do I blame.?
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
I could never make a relationship work though!
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
She married twice! .
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
She wouldn,t have been !
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
I was seconnd youngest,
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
I have no regrets .
It was going to be , some day.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
He resisted the act ,that day.
So whats the point in blame.
I couldn’t, believe it.
Put me off passion for life!!
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
But it wasn’t much.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
(And it was in our own minds.)
All the time i was locked up.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
I don,t even have a pension.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
When she asked me how she looked .
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
My life is so biszare .
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
I know ,a lot about trauma.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
My mum and dad in the seventies!
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
But ive been too sick for many years..
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
I had hoped to write a book about this .
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
Was to survive, this bastard.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
I was 9 years of age.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
What did i know ?
This is soul school!.
So, i spoilt her more .
The only rule us 5 kids had .
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
My family never makes their pension either.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
She loved him until the end.
I was scared of men, in general
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
As i do to all so called friends.?
I never cut or harmed myself..
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
And who doesn’t know suffering?
On the 31st of Jan this month .
She found it foreign!.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
I write beautiful poetry .